It’s been a little over a year of complete chaos. Well…if I really want to break it down, it’s been almost 22 years of it. Life plays out in waves and seasons. Some are much more frustrating than others, but all of them have lessons to be learned. And our God is faithful in each and every single one of them.
This past year has been another year added to a lesson of complete trust and patience; a year of breaking unclean pieces away as I pursue the Holy Creator and desire to be more like Him. That’s hard. But I asked for it. In fact, I begged for it.
One of the worship nights I was able to attend at Trinity Christian College during my freshman year, I remember finding myself on the floor, literally on my hands and knees with my face down in tears just pleading with God to wreck me in a new way. I told Him I wanted Him to take me where my trust was without borders. Fittingly, the song Oceans was being sung. (To me that song is something you need to MEAN when you sing it out. Do we understand what we’re asking for!?)
I was literally asking God to lead me where my trust is without borders, taking me deeper than my own two feet could ever wander.
It didn’t take long for Him to answer my pleading heart.
I’ve shared in a previous writing about everything that happened from that moment on. Health issues, painful relocations, and friendships dying away. All of those events brought me here, to Tennessee. Here, where I have been given an opportunity to do everything my heart feels led and called and demanded of me by my Lord and Savior. Here, where I can look back on the last 4 years of my life and say “Wow, what amazing things you’ve done.” And “Wow, I fought you so hard while You did what I asked of You. I am so sorry for not trusting you with a grateful heart. Thank you for getting me to this point.”
I know when I take a step back and look around that God is doing something BIG in my life. I see his continued faithfulness even when I felt unfaithful. I see Him working on me gradually though it felt so abrupt. I see Him fulfilling promises He made to me through what I believe to have been an angel that I only ever met once (hint: possible future writing). I see His protection. I see his kindness. I see His love. And I see there is so much more to come!
Over the last year, I’ve been a roller coaster of emotions. Now, I do get to blame a lot of that on pregnancy and post-partum hormones, but I felt them all so deeply for a reason. Fear, anxiety, depression, doubt, anger, joy, excitement, frustration, confusion, thankfulness, bitterness, awe, sadness, loneliness, etc. I felt them all. But I never ever once felt like God wasn’t doing exactly what I asked Him to do. I never once blamed Him in my anger and frustration, something I used to always do. Because I remember that moment of pleading and surrender. I know I asked for it. And I knew when I did that He would answer. I knew it would be hard. And it was! But though I felt all the emotions I listed and then some, I never once felt betrayed by my God. If anything, I felt betrayed by my younger, eager and naive self. Yet today, I have found such an overwhelming peace and gladness when I think of all He has done in my life and heart this last year alone.
April 8, the Sunday after Easter, was my first official day as the Worship Director of Partnership Christian Church. A position I had some experience and was decently qualified for, but because I lack that college degree, I doubted could ever come to be. But My God is faithful and He equips those He calls. He has blessed me.
In January, I gave birth to my beautiful son. A miracle my husband and I prayed for. A love that cannot be felt in any other way. A gift we are in continual thankfulness for as we desire to grow a family of many more!
In December, my husband and I moved into our very first house with freedom to make it a home. Something I never thought I would say before 22 years old.
In March of 2017, we moved to Tennessee- the state of my dreams! I never thought it would come true: Midwesterner for life.
When I take a step back and see all of those amazing situations, I feel so humbled. So grateful. Because my God is so faithful in the changes and the heartache.
I remember going through those phases and feeling all the negative emotions that exist. It took forever. I couldn’t handle any more. I never thought I’d come up for air again.
Yet, here I am. Over a year later. And it feels like it all happened “faster than a duck on a June-bug.”
A quote said by my now Pastor, the very first Sunday we attended PCC, the Sunday after Easter- the day God spoke to my soul and said “you have arrived. Now hang on, I’ve got more to show you before you can do all that I’m asking you to.”
Ever since that day, Joshua and I have prayed for peace, specific people to be brought to where we are, and God’s will to ultimately be done through it all.
My husband has a huge heart for young adults. He’s 27 and had an incredible experience with a ministry in IL for young adults that absolutely by the grace of God made him the man he is today. When we started at PCC, there were 2 other families in our age group, and 3 individuals in the 18 year old range, where we felt led to the most. (The hope was a combination, but the Lord has guided different paths). A year later we see a steady going group of 25-30- YAY. We see over 10 college-aged young adults! For the worship team, we had a major need for drummers. I now have drummers coming from left and right and many play multiple instruments as well.
I see in all the big things and the little things, the same thing: a faithful God. A God who is constantly faithful in every wave and season of life. A God who answers prayers, usually in ways we didn’t expect. Sometimes they take 14 years (hint: future writing), and sometimes He answers them in a way that seems to be “faster than a duck on a June-bug!”
(Oh yeah. I totally live in Tennessee- LOL and I love it!)
if we are faithless, he remains faithful—
for he cannot deny himself.
2 Timothy 2:13